And even now..
..I have every little thing that we did together. Every picture, every movie ticket, all the notes and drawings, your jacket, the notebook, the stuffed animals…everything. It’s all in a box in my closet for when I feel I’m ready to see it again. I didn’t want you out of my life for good. I just couldn’t have it sitting around my room, or it would have been hard to be happy again. Even right after it happened, I knew that I wouldn’t want to forget anything from those 2 years. They were amazing memories. Probably some of the best that I have.
You put your arms around me
And I believe that it’s easier for you to let me go
You put your arms around me and I’m home.
It’s not possible…
…to just be friends with someone when you want them as more. No matter how badly you want them in your life, there will always be something missing. Friendship simply isn’t enough. How do you move on when everything that you want is just beyond your reach? When it completely takes over your mind and no matter what you do or how many plans you make, you’re still completely consumed by that longing. You have something in your life for so long, and then it’s yanked away from you and dangled right in front of your face, but you can’t have it anymore. What happens when your source of happiness becomes a distant memory and you’re forced to smile and say “I’ll be okay.”? When all you want to do is run back and hold that person as tight as you can and not let go. It’s just not possible…
I can’t help but believe
that this is harder on me than it is on you. You seem completely fine. I’m trying to keep busy all the time so I don’t have any time to think about you, but that’s quite pathetic. I should use this week to feel better about myself; to try to make any improvements that I’ve wanted to make for such a long time.
So far here’s how I’m holding up:
haircutnails done- hair dyed (Planned for Tuesday)
memories placed in a box until further notice- removal of wonderful smelling jacket (Haven’t been able to bring myself to do this yet)
tanning- jogging (Planned for tonight)
- leg exercises (Planned for tonight)
- belly exercises (Whenever my stomach stops hating me)
- getting to the point where everything I eat doesn’t make me feel sick (Not even close)
- attempt to keep remaining sea monkeys from eating each other (Not working very well. There’s only like 3 or 4 left out of the original 30)
- find new and exciting ways to spend my time (In progress)
- figure out how I would like to redecorate my room (Leaving this for when I’m in a good mood so my room doesn’t turn out depressing)
I want to believe that I can do this…I really do. But when the hours seem like days, it’s hard to believe that there could be any possible outcome besides not seeing you again. It feels like you’re already gone and I’m not ready to accept that yet.
Is it just me?
I’m counting minutes. Not even hours or days; minutes. I’m doing everything possible to keep my mind off of you, but you’re everywhere I go. I hear you in every song I try to listen to and I see you in every little thing I do. I couldn’t even stay in my own house last night because it was full of too many memories. I’ve never been a very patient person…I’m not going to wait forever.
