And even now..
..I have every little thing that we did together. Every picture, every movie ticket, all the notes and drawings, your jacket, the notebook, the stuffed animals…everything. It’s all in a box in my closet for when I feel I’m ready to see it again. I didn’t want you out of my life for good. I just couldn’t have it sitting around my room, or it would have been hard to be happy again. Even right after it happened, I knew that I wouldn’t want to forget anything from those 2 years. They were amazing memories. Probably some of the best that I have.
I’ll be okay
I just went back and read all of the things that I’ve been posting. If I was a random person and just stumbled upon this stuff, I’d assume that the person writing it must be depressed. I’m just going to go ahead and say that this is not the case. I’m going through some hard times right now, but I have no doubt that no matter what happens, I’ll be okay eventually. It’s true that I’m not happy, but I’m not going to let myself become depressed over something that is out of my control. I have been avoiding posting on my other tumblr and on my facebook because I feel that anything I would say on those would either sound depressing or sound like forced happiness. I can’t find anything worth saying to people, so I won’t push myself until I feel that I am ready to do so. If I try hard enough, I know that I can pull through this and become the confident person that I once was.
I can’t help but believe
that this is harder on me than it is on you. You seem completely fine. I’m trying to keep busy all the time so I don’t have any time to think about you, but that’s quite pathetic. I should use this week to feel better about myself; to try to make any improvements that I’ve wanted to make for such a long time.
So far here’s how I’m holding up:
haircutnails done- hair dyed (Planned for Tuesday)
memories placed in a box until further notice- removal of wonderful smelling jacket (Haven’t been able to bring myself to do this yet)
tanning- jogging (Planned for tonight)
- leg exercises (Planned for tonight)
- belly exercises (Whenever my stomach stops hating me)
- getting to the point where everything I eat doesn’t make me feel sick (Not even close)
- attempt to keep remaining sea monkeys from eating each other (Not working very well. There’s only like 3 or 4 left out of the original 30)
- find new and exciting ways to spend my time (In progress)
- figure out how I would like to redecorate my room (Leaving this for when I’m in a good mood so my room doesn’t turn out depressing)
I want to believe that I can do this…I really do. But when the hours seem like days, it’s hard to believe that there could be any possible outcome besides not seeing you again. It feels like you’re already gone and I’m not ready to accept that yet.
